Guest Blog Post Alert! Katie Bingner is a therapist for folks in Maryland and a communication coach who works with people across the country. Katie is a new friend of mine and I’m so glad we’re able to support one another in our entrepeneurial-ship. Katie has some wild words of wisdom to support you all in better understanding why it’s so hard to make friends as an adult and some tips and tricks that have worked for her! Enjoy!

Do Adults Have Friends?

Oh, look - it’s another Friday evening and you’re glued to the coach scrolling on social media with Friends playing on a loop in the background, wondering why the world seems to be buzzing with social connection and you’re, well….alone on this coach. 

Well, ironically, you’re not alone in your loneliness. In fact, according to YouGov.com, Millennials are reported to be the loneliness generation compared to Boomers and Gen Xers. That’s right, the generation that flooded the early social media scene of AIM and MySpace – seemly more connected than any other generation in the history of the world – are now reporting not only a lack of close, meaningful friendships (or BFFs, a term we Millennials popularized), but are struggling to make any kind of friend or even just acquaintance (Ballard, 2019). 

Well, if you’re like me, you’ve probably already spent (maybe a lot of) time ruminating about why you’re having such a difficult time making and maintaining friendships. You’ve probably googled questions like “why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?” (cause google knows everything, right?)

Well, as Alanis would say, isn’t it ironic…because our reliance on the internet seems to be part of the problem…

A recent study, the first of its kind actually, published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology reported a significantly positive correlation (when both variables increase) between how much time we spend on social media and how lonely, depressed, and anxious we feel. Since us Millennials grew up alongside the explosion of World Wide Web access and all the interconnectedness that supposedly came along with it, we seem to be the ones suffering the most by this phenomenon. That of seeing (and comparing) how everyone else seems to be so active, engaged, and connected in the world, which only compounds our feelings of confusion, bewilderment, hurt, sadness, and rejection, knowing (or believing) we don’t have that in our own lives. 

Of course, the first reaction we often have is to quickly start questioning ourselves and our worth – “Why does this keep happening? If there’s a pattern, it must be me, right?” 

But is it…?

Well, as someone who prides herself on having pretty decent social skills (hell, I’m a communication coach after all!) and has found it quite challenging to make and maintain adult friendships, I am here to tell you – It’s not just you and what you’re feeling is completely normal.

So Why Make Friends Outside of Work?

Besides our social media usage, there are lots of reasonable explanations for why making meaningful, lasting friendships as an adult feels impossible. For example…

When Do I Find The Time To Make Friends?

Seriously, between your 50+ hour work-weeks, spending time with your partner, tending to your children (animal kids count too!), helping out your family, showering, using the toilet, checking email(s), taking the recycling bin to the curb AND back (ugh, so annoying), paying your overdue balances, picking up the next gift for whatever holiday/celebration/congratulation situation is coming up – honestly, who has the time for friends?!?!

Well, I do! In fact, a lot of us do. According to a 2023 survey conducted by the U.S. Bureau Of Labor Statistics, the average person engages in 5-6 hours of leisure activities per day. Sure, much of that time is spent decompressing, zoning-out, and generally avoiding the challenges of life, but this is also when you can check in with a friend, meet up for a walk, maybe grab a bite to eat. 

Where Can I Make Friends?

Look, when we were kids there was a social-smorgasboard of opportunities to meet peers and make connections. Day care, the playground, school, dances, faith communities, the neighborhood, all kinds of extra-circulars (hanging out in an empty parking lot, included). As adults, the opportunities begin to dwindle. According to industrial-organizational psychologist and data scientist Andrew Naber, adults will spend an average of 90,000 hours working over their lifetime. So, a lot of people work…a lot. As a result, our place of work becomes our primary social context. 

But what if you’re like me and work mostly from home? The social opportunities dip to a problematic level. One that negatively impacts our mental health and emotional health. 

In such cases, extra effort is crucial. Why? Because according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, “social connectedness influences our minds, bodies, and behaviors – all of which influence our health and life expectancy.” 

But How Do I Make Friends As an Adult?

This might sound silly or completely relatable, but one major obstacle to making friends is the struggle to ‘put yourself out there.’ Adults often report it feels embarrassing to ask someone if they want to be friends with them (just another reason why kids have it so good – they’re often much less inhibited). Adults don’t want to take such risks. Adults have been burned, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, ghosted, gaslit and forgotten about – and we remember that shit. 

It’s also true that these past hurts can lead to increasingly higher social anxiety, feed into negative expectations about others and reduce our willingness to trust others (Bellucci, 2020). Consequently though, that often leads to further isolation and, therefore, increased loneliness. And once you lose touch with your meaningful relationships, it can feel impossible to change and too daunting to try. 

I get that – truly, but see if you can find the willingness to try anyway. 

Let's Find Some Damn Friends!

Ideas to consider when you're feeling ready to build some adult friendships:

• Socials – You’re probably already on social media, so scroll through your lists of ‘friends’ and ‘followers’ and see if anyone new seems interesting! Or post an invitation to start a book club, movie or game night!

• Connect with old friends – I am in the midst of this one right now and, can I just say, I am SO glad I took this step! Those friends from way back that you’ve lost touch with (even if you had a spat) are great options for RE-connection. We all get older and (hopefully) wiser. Plus, if it doesn’t work out, you’ve already ‘unfriended’ them once!

• Meetups – That’s right, let’s get out of the house and meet strangers (safely). Find people in your area who like the things you like – It’s kinda like match-making for friendships!

• Volunteer – What a great way to meet like-minded people and spread some good energy around this world?! I enjoy walking dogs at a local rescue, but find what really speaks to you at volunteermatch.org.

• Local Events – Sites such as Eventbrite and the events section of facebook are great resources for staying up to date with fun and interesting (and often free!) things going on near you. Heading out, enjoying the event and making a point to chat people up could open up all kinds of opportunities to build a connection.

• Sign up for a class – Yoga, Zumba, pottery, painting, a gym membership, jewelry making – hell, take a CPR class! Anything you find interesting, challenging, and other people will be there (yes, that’s a must). 

• Community connections – If you reside in a neighborhood or live in a building complex that places you in close proximity to others, consider hosting a potluck or an open house, a block party (or a floor party – as in, “hey neighbors, we all live on the second floor, let’s celebrate!”). Getting to know your neighbors better, even if they’re not BFF material, can still help you feel more connected and less alone. 

Knowing When To Let Go of Established Friendships

Sometimes relationships just don’t work out, and it sucks…

So how do you know when to let a friendship go and move on? Well, my friends, I have had a lot of experience in this area, personally. That, in addition to my clinical training and professional experiences working with countless individuals and couples trying to make relationships work, here are a few questions I’ve learned to ask:

1. How does being in this relationship currently make me feel?

   Perhaps you dwell a lot on the good ‘ol days of your friendships and that reminiscing keeps you locked into wishing and hoping things can return to that status (and maybe it can). But no matter how long ago that was, if you’re feeling mistreated, ignored, unheard, or taken advantage of, base your decision making on the NOW. 

2. What am I willing to feel to try and save it?

   Maybe the relationship can be salvaged, but neither of you are taking the steps to try and fix it? This is the moment you have to ask yourself – what are you willing to feel, in order to fight for the relationship? If uncomfortable, vulnerable, anxious, and possible rejection are not on your list, you might not be ready to fight that fight. Saving a damaged relationship requires at least one of you to take the first step (and there’s never a guarantee the other will follow suit and that will hurt).

3. Am I willing to accept not knowing why?

   Many of my failed friendships are a mystery and, sometimes, that's the worst part. Sure, I miss those connections, but the not-knowing can be kind-of torturous. Getting caught in ruminating about what happened, what I did; what was it about me that was so easy to ghost? I’ve come to learn that, once I’ve reached that point, the relationship is dead in the water. That, for my own emotional well-being, it’s best to accept that I may never know why and free myself from the burdens of the unknown. 

As the old adage goes, good friends are hard to come by. Solid friendships take effort, care, dedication, persistence, and understanding. I have never given up on my desire for good friendships and, because of that, I am so grateful for the strong connections I now have.

So my best advice is to embrace, nurture, and appreciate the connections you currently have (be it person, pet, or plant). Soak in that love and, when you feel ready and willing to, take some risks. Put yourself out there. Try something new. But most importantly – live your life in a meaningful way and don’t forget to keep trying. 

This world has billions of people in it – some of them would love to be your friend.

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At Two Rivers Therapy, we understand you may be struggling with multiple problems. To best support our clients in achieving optimal mental health and well-being, we offer anxiety therapy, depression treatment, trauma therapy, therapy for teens, and therapy for the overwhelmed and overworked. In addition to these services, we also offer clinical supervision to receive guidance and support from someone who has more experience than you may. To learn more, check out our blog or About Us!

Katie Bingner (She/Her) is an integrative trauma therapist, communication coach, writer, and educator in Columbia, Maryland. Katie has helped countless people improve their communication skills (and their self-respect). Katie is particularly passionate about working with LGBTQIA+ first responders and their partners to communicate better, reduce conflict and (re)build intimacy and connection. In her free time, Katie loves being outdoors (when it’s warm), cooking and cuddling with her pup.