Do We Need Couples Therapy?
If you’re wondering about couples counseling, it’s probably time. But how do you know?
Have you been feeling like your relationship has lost the connection you had in the beginning? Ever felt like other people have great relationships, and you’re just trying to feel heard by your partner? Does it sometimes feel like there is no one who really “gets it” when it comes to your relationship?
Maybe you have considered couples therapy – but feel like it’s not “that bad.” Couples counseling can be beneficial for relationships of all stages and types. Whether you're part of a traditional couple or proudly rocking your LGBTQ+ colors, this conversation is for you.
Healthy Relationships
Relationships are constantly changing. They thrive on healthy communication, respect, and empathy. But, yikes, can life's unexpected situations cause stress!! Balancing work, family, and personal needs sometimes feels like juggling flaming torches. The flames, those tiny stressors, can unintentionally scorch the bond we have with our partner.
The outdated perspective of “relationships shouldn’t be hard” holds little merit in 2023. It’s true that some difficult relationships are unhealthy, like if there is violence or emotional abuse. Other relationships - the ones with miscommunication, stress, and difficulty with emotional or physical connection - can be strengthened by couples counseling. Therapy can help guide the partners toward their relationship goals. So, how do you know if it’s time to start couples counseling?
A Few Signs that It’s Time…
Communication Issues
Remember those late-night talks that seemed to last forever? If they've evolved into tangled words and awkward pauses, take a breath. Couples therapy can guide you through detangling those communication knots so your conversations flow smoothly.
Arguing
Arguments are inevitable and natural in relationships but obviously can be overwhelming. If you're having highly heated disagreements or arguing more days than not, this is an indicator that it’s time to start couples counseling. A skilled couples counselor can help you and your partner learn more about your “fighting style,” how your different styles interact, and most importantly, what you can do to increase success in getting on the same page.
Emotional Distance
Ever felt like you're sharing a space but not the emotions? Emotional distancing can happen when couples have been together for a long time and begin to make assumptions about their partner's feelings rather than checking them out. It’s also common for long-term couples to feel like their partner “should know how I feel.” For relationships of all types, emotional connection may be complicated by past traumatic experiences, embarrassment of being honest, or fear of being misunderstood. Couples therapy can help with all of these issues as well as the multitude of other factors that contribute to emotional distance.
Stress Caused by Other People
In a world filled with layers of societal norms, cultural nuances, and personal identities, relationships face their own set of challenges. Family, friends, and the communities we live in have an influence on our relationships. When there are opposing views of who we love and who other people think we “should” love, immense stress can enter the relationship. LGBTQ+ and partners of different cultures are especially vulnerable to this type of stress and inequality when it comes to relationship support. Couples therapy becomes an inclusive “safe place” where love is celebrated in all its forms.
Issues with Trust
Trust, once broken, takes work to rebuild. Maybe the broken trust happened in a past relationship and continues to cause fear of trusting in current relationships. Or maybe the trust was broken between partners who are currently together. A couples therapist can help with working through the fear of trusting, improving understanding of each partner’s perspective, and slowly setting the stage for increasing trust between the partners.
Life Changes
We’ve all been there – life is running smoothly, and then there is a change that pushes us off-track, and we have to figure out our “new normal.” Whether the change was unexpected or planned, it can impact relationships. Changes like moving in together, tying the knot, or becoming parents are obvious relationship changes. Other changes can also cause relationship stress, such as a partner starting a new job, a family loss, or getting a new pet.
Okay, it’s time to talk to your partner about couples counseling
If you're nodding in agreement to some of the signs mentioned earlier, here's a road map for embracing couples therapy.
1. The Heartfelt Conversation:
Picture a cozy evening, tea in hand, and an honest chat with your partner. Express how you've been feeling about the relationship.
"Hey babe, I think we're in an amazing place, but I believe couples therapy could help our relationship grow even stronger."
“I love you. I think we both know that things aren’t going as well as they used to. I want to give couples counseling a try - what do you think?”
“I have been feeling really sad about how much we’ve been fighting. I know I’ve been angry more, too, and I don’t want to be. I love you, and I want us to work on this together in couples counseling.”
2. Finding the Couples Therapist
Finding a therapist is like looking for the perfect dance instructor – someone who understands your rhythm. Ask friends for recommendations, or explore online platforms to discover a professional who resonates with your vibe. If you meet with a therapist and they aren’t a good fit for you or your partner, keep looking. Your therapist is out there and ready to help you.
3. Choosing Virtual Therapy or Therapy in an Office
Therapists are now very accustomed to having clients in the office, virtually, or a mix of both. Think about what will work best for you and your partner’s schedule and comfort. Once you decide, ask the couples counselor for what you want!
Couples counseling is like any other service. You likely have routine hair appointments, medical check-ups, dental appointments, etc. Add couples counseling to your preventative, problem-solving, and maintenance routine. Couples therapy isn’t a “last resort.” It’s about giving your relationship the ongoing nurturing it deserves. Imagine conversations where you feel heard and valued. Imagine conflict resolution that’s a calm conversation rather than a battle. This is the type of transformation that couples counseling offers.
Guest Author: Heath Fosnaugh, LMHC
Heather Fosnaugh, LMHC, NCC, is an EMDRIA Certified Therapist and Consultant-in-Training. Her practice, Indiana Counseling and Resilience Center focuses on therapy for people with trauma, anxiety, and relationship concerns. She can be found on Facebook or the ICRC website.
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